Judge Much?

We’ve all said it and likely too many times than we care to admit. We’ve said all those judgmental comments either in our minds or *gasp* out loud. Those painful words that start with “I will never…” or “I can’t believe he/she…”. They almost always come back to bite us either through guilt or more likely by us finding ourselves in the exact same position.

I vividly recall being in the baby food aisle of Target with a 2 and 4-year-old. My then 2-year-old daughter decided she wanted something I wasn’t willing to let her have or things just weren’t going her way, so she proceeded to have a tantrum. And by tantrum, I mean screaming, crying, throwing herself on the floor and lying there. I was implementing the “ignore and act like I don’t see her flailing on the floor” technique right about the time two twenty-something ladies walked by the aisle. They looked at me with so much judgement I could see it oozing down their faces. As they passed the aisle one of them said “that is why I’m never having kids”. Hmm…I’d love to know if she ever did.

I felt judged in that moment, but I was confident enough to know I was doing the best I could. I knew my daughter would calm down before too long and there was nothing better to do but ignore her behavior. I’ve also never forgotten that moment.

On the flip side, I vividly recall WAY too many times where I was the one saying, “I will never”.

• I will never let my child act that way.
• I will never let my child watch that much TV.
• I will never let my kid wear that.

Or how about…

• My kid will never…
• I can’t believe that family lets their kids…
• My kids will never act like that.

After 15 years of parenting I’ve almost removed the word “never” from my vocabulary. I think I’ve been put in the same situations I vowed I’d never be in and I think I’ve let my kids do just about everything I thought I never would. Sadly, judgement is not limited to just parenting.

We all judge each other for a multitude of reasons and it’s so utterly hurtful and painful. None of us are immune. When we judge others, it holds us back from building a strong village we can count on when things get tough. Our judgment holds us back from developing those deeper relationships because we were too busy judging what we saw on the surface.

For some of us, we judge in small ways concentrating on the minutia of life. Rolling our eyes over a comment someone made. Wondering why someone always looks so uptight or judging the outfit they chose to wear to the PTA meeting. Looking at someone and immediately deciding if you have anything in common or not.

It can be much deeper too. It’s the harsh words you deliver to your extended family members because you don’t agree with their political views or how they parent. It’s the vicious gossip that passes your lips about other people. It’s taking to social media to write hateful words to someone you don’t even know just because they think differently than you.

It seems it often comes from a place of feeling like we are right, and we have things all figured out. If we judge other people, it solidifies our life choices and opinions. Why do we do that? Just because it’s something I believe in or choose to do or not do doesn’t make it right for everyone. What is right is treating each other with love and kindness. LOVE. Love others even in our differences and own up to the fact that you’re not always right.  

The only thing that’s really going to matter in life is the relationships we’ve had. Life won’t be measured in terms of success based on what we’ve acquired or achieved or what we own. What kind of a wife are you? What kind of a mother? What kind of a teammate or daughter? What kind of a sister or friend? Success comes in terms of relationships.

At the end of our life, we want to be able to look back over it and know somehow the world was a better place because we lived, we loved, and were other-focused. We start with an open mind and open heart. Looking for the good in others and the commonality and ignoring the differences. Judge much? I’m so guilty but I’m working on it. xo, Monique